so the last 4 to 5 days I have been dreading the on coming of warm weather, not because I dislike the warmth, but because I don’t feel like my body would look right for it.

A part if that problem is that “winter” has lasted way to long for my system. Sure, it wasn’t really cold in november or dezember, but it’s april now and it is baerly getting any better…
& since christmas is ussually my time of year I indulge in what I like and it there after got cold, my body has been quite demanding in being pampered.

I’ve eaten too much. Too much sweets and too bigger portions.It didn’t help that up until last month we didn’t have any internet…
usually I woul only have a moderat portion for supper so that I could go to my room more quickly to write/talk with my boyfriend. No internet, no can do.

for the longest time I hav not cared about my weight and just made sure I ate healthily. Loads of vegetables, little sweet things … that sort of stuff. Never too strickt on the amount I ate because I made sure I was eating healthy.

But currently I have become more selfconcious. Some of the things I bought last year don’t fit my as well as they did then & that really bugs me. That my boyfriend rarely compliments me and then said I looked cute in a foto where I weighed 20-25 kilos less kind of gave me the insentive to go for it this time…

I want to try and really loose at least 20 kilos till august, idealy a little more…
but in some ways I feel like I am betraying my attitude of not careing about what others say in doing this…

Am I doing this for me, or for him? maybe I am acctually doing this to give pay back to my ex who was of the conviction that my relationship with my current boyfriend wouldn’t do me good?
I don’t know…

I’ll give it my all and try to get there
though I am not quite sure how to do that just yet…

skinnifreax:

~thin~ on @weheartit.com - http://whrt.it/ZbqvQ6

fairytalefawn:

Katie and The Virgin Mary +

so
I tolf my current boyfriend that he’s good at sex, wich is totaly not a lie. but here’s the thing.

Yes, I enjoy sex with him, and yes he makes me feel good, but I’ve had better sex than what I am currently experiencing.
He still has to figure out where to touch me and how and when. He still has to figure out what turns me on and off…
But the other week, I stayed at a friends house, and well… he figured it all out pretty quickly. not that I had sex with him or anything much in the way of intercourse, we didn’t even kiss, but he did groupe me and nibbeled my ear and neck….
I did put up a fight to ensure he didn’t do more (and all in all, he did behave… more or less), it was just really hard.
I felt terribly tempted to give in to thouse carresses, because they were soft and harsh and demanding and inviting…
I have missed that kinda of treatment sorely

My ex and I had a very easy going and passoinet relationship… I miss the tickle fights and the sex that would follow (much like make up sex, but better because there was no fight to start it and no problems to come back to after you where done) …

but I do like the tenderness of my current love, it’s just…
very different and not quite as fullfilling 

I feel like saying “I’m sorry” , but it’S not like I’ve done anything wrong. I just feel bad ‘cause he’s been getting so little atention..

thing is that I miss not always talking to him and I miss hearng his voice, even when most of the time he didn’t talk much

I just hope he aint mad…

I feel the desperate urge to write womething, to tell a story, b ut it’s kinda hard to come up with something…
a the moment I am staying at a friends house, partially ‘cause I wanted to visit him and partially ‘cause I had a job interview (and womething of a trial day on top of that) 
In some ways it feels bizzar to me to consider moving away from my family, but at thesame tim I think it might to me good. Not always beeing able to run to mum or dad for held, not having my brother listen to my complaints as an option…
It still is wierd, but since I have first considered this option, it has sort of grown on me…
wich honestly scares me

I am a family person, even when I occasionally find a family of 5 hard to get along with and hide away in my room. but then again, it must be alot harder on my mum, alone with 4 kids, each of them as diffrent as could be but with many similarities… I know that it has not been easy on my mum and that I haven’t made it any easier
wich also plays a part in my growung convidance that moving out (even if I feel it is to early for me myself) might help her manage better and also help us, her and me, get along more…

I figured out, that doing something with people os deffinatly something I should do, because interactions, like fae to face interactions, are my strength. I don’t cope well with stress and technical stuff…
I think I’m just not an office person, I’m a people person…

and even though I’m not entirely certain what will happen to me for the rest of this year (I’ll try to find work I guess and maybe some tipe of internship) there after I just might go back to school to become a kindergarten teacher..?